Banking Procedure for Male and Female:

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.\"

MALE PROCEDURE:

1.Drive up to the cash machine.
2.Put down your car window.
3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.Put window up.
7.Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1.Drive up to cash machine.
2.Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.Insert card.
9.Re-insert card the right way.
10.Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on it.
11.Enter PIN.
12.Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.Enter amount of cash required.
14.Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18.Re-check makeup.
19.Drive forward 2 feet.
20.Reverse back to cash machine.
21.Retrieve card.
22.Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23.Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Redial person on cell phone.
26.Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.Release Parking Brake.

Quote:

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Originally posted by chekram_04

Banking Procedure for Male and Female:

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.\"

MALE PROCEDURE:

1.Drive up to the cash machine.
2.Put down your car window.
3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.Put window up.
7.Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1.Drive up to cash machine.
2.Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.Insert card.
9.Re-insert card the right way.
10.Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on it.
11.Enter PIN.
12.Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.Enter amount of cash required.
14.Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18.Re-check makeup.
19.Drive forward 2 feet.
20.Reverse back to cash machine.
21.Retrieve card.
22.Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23.Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Redial person on cell phone.
26.Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.Release Parking Brake.

---

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving..

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me..

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you..
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!

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AK

BILL GATES organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah. (Gujarati)

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose
if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.
2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have
nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates
who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation
together in that language.'

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says...... 'kem chho?' (how are You?)

The other candidate answers ........ 'Choop bes gadhedaa...' (seat down Donkey)

both were from same tribe..........Gujju.

Jay ho Garvi Gujarat.........

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 30 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....
****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

keep it up investpro - these were really good ones!

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No trees were killed by this post, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
__________________________________
George Malley: Hey, would you, uh, love me the rest of my life?
Lace Pennamin: No. I'm gonna love you for the rest of mine.
__________________________________
None of us knows God until someone introduces us - Life of Pi