Questions about "traditional" culture, marriage and aging
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Location: God's own country
Posted on: 02-05-06 16:43:14
MR,
You are right on target.
Actually the same situation is happening to me right now.
My parents are living on their savings/ their investment income as of today. If such a situation occurs that they have no money, I shall either move to the Gulf or to India. This statement of mine is set in stone.
IN both india and gulf, a person can live 4 or 5 months comfortably in his one month income.
I would also love to know what other desi's will do in this situation.
TK
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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.
Location: Private location
Posted on: 02-05-06 16:45:05
Quote:
Originally posted by morning_rain
Hi PP,
In the first paragraph above: So how do those parents cope when their children move away? Note: It can be applied to both sons and daughters. I hear this phrase quite a bit: that daughters will always leave their parents and sons generally do not. I know many families where daughters are closer to their parents and remain living near by. My own personal values are that its ok for a woman to be near her parents when she has her own family and I believe this is more a reflection of western lifestyle. In India I understand its still more likely the woman will uproot and move to where her spouse resides.
Secondly, I know what you mean about your inlaws. my own MIL is very bored here and misses being in India. I dont blame her. I wouldnt like to be told when im 60 that I have to move elsewhere, where I dont understand the language and customs and dont know anyone either.
Well I don't have children yet, but I can imagine it's a very big change for parents when their children move away, whether because of marriage or studies. My mother cried for days when my brother had to leave for university in another town (he still came back every few weeks).
When you said...... "My own personal values are that its ok for a woman to be near her parents when she has her own family and I believe this is more a reflection of western lifestyle. In India I understand its still more likely the woman will uproot and move to where her spouse resides"
....I have to agree with you wholeheartedly on this. I always imagined that I would always live close to my parents, even when I was married. It didn't turn out that way though, but it's OK because things don't always go according to your life's plan do they?
Son's are generally considered not to leave the family because of the Indian mentality that daughters are married "INTO" the guy's family and thus they "lose" her. The guy is never married into a girls family, so he "stays"with the family.
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Bijou Bazaar
http://bijoubazaar22.googlepages.com
Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 02-05-06 17:04:01
Quote:
Originally posted by Pink Panther
When you said...... "My own personal values are that its ok for a woman to be near her parents when she has her own family and I believe this is more a reflection of western lifestyle. In India I understand its still more likely the woman will uproot and move to where her spouse resides"
....I have to agree with you wholeheartedly on this. I always imagined that I would always live close to my parents, even when I was married. It didn't turn out that way though, but it's OK because things don't always go according to your life's plan do they?
Son's are generally considered not to leave the family because of the Indian mentality that daughters are married "INTO" the guy's family and thus they "lose" her. The guy is never married into a girls family, so he "stays"with the family.
Thats what i understand (and agree with ur statement ). I am not living near my parents either
However since my husband has left his home COUNTRY i figure its an even split Do any women in India maintain their former last name...? Has this started occuring at all?
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~ Morning rain
MR,
Huh.. I am trying to compile my thoughts about your questions, but you know what I think I need quite good time before I bring a discussion on this.
Hold on... "Thainking Cap" mode ON...... Oouch answers are sort of harsh.. back to emotional.., Mmm answers are unrealistic.. I need time.........Sorry.
JRF.
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The cowards never started,
The weak died on the way,
Only the strong arrived.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yK1i9cLAMM
Here are answers based on my experience
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1) From what I understand, dating and love marriages are frowned upon by many families - whether in India or abroad. There are greater and lesser degrees of traditional and permissiveness in families. Question: If a young man/woman is not allowed the freedom to interact with members of the opposite sex, and/ or date, then how does a young person learn how to communicate and have a good relationship with their future spouse?
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My family has tried to find something in between arranged marriage and dating. It is kind of arranged marriage but with long period of courtship and with permission to break off the engagement if the two cannot agree on anything during courtship period. I am talking of 1976 and onwards. My one sister broke off her engagement because her fiance wanted her to be a housewife and she was very career- minded. During the first few meeting fiance told her that he expected her to leave job before they get married and she came home and told Dad that she does not think she can stay home. She was a school teacher and her school was walking distance from her fiance's home. She tried to persuade his mind but did not work.
Next generation, my sister followed the same example. Her daughter and her fiance dated for 1 and 1/2 yrs. My niece did have male friends with whom she attended business school. It turns out her male friends and her fiance knew each other as they studied together and now are big group of happy friends.
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2) With the increase of young people leaving home to move abroad (ie/ from India to Canada) and simply moving away from parents to build careers in different cities, what is the implication for elders? When one's parents retire, if they will not be living in the same city/country as their children, do they have a network of friends, social activities? Is this a new phenomenen in India?
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My parents do have many extended family and she gets invited to weddings and other gatherings like thread ceremony, baby showers etc. During the season she sometimes gets invited to 2 or 3 gatherings a week. She spends a lot of time at my sister's spare house in our native place. She travels there every two months. Spends few days there like week or two and then comes back to Bombay. My parents principal place of living is a separate house not with any of their children. Though very 2 or 3 weeks you can find her visitng one of her children.
Location: God's own country
Posted on: 02-05-06 18:57:57
Quote:
Originally posted by lana2005
My parents do have many extended family and she gets invited to weddings and other gatherings like thread ceremony, baby showers etc. During the season she sometimes gets invited to 2 or 3 gatherings a week. She spends a lot of time at my sister's spare house in our native place. She travels there every two months. Spends few days there like week or two and then comes back to Bombay. My parents principal place of living is a separate house not with any of their children. Though very 2 or 3 weeks you can find her visitng one of her children.
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TK-> I belive that MR would like to know what happens if they are incapaciated in life/ need a support person to be with them 24/7 and all their children are abroad. That is actually a senario that many people abroad would expect to happen sometime or the other.
A point that i have noted is that some "Hire" a distant poor relative to look after them in their last days and they make sure that , that relative is paid very well. As far as i know, no one likes to be in an old age home (in TN only) unless they are destitute. Maybe we have class "old age homes" in bangalore, i am not sure. None worth the name in TN.
TK
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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.
Location: Private location
Posted on: 03-05-06 10:17:29
Quote:
Originally posted by morning_rain
Quote:
Originally posted by Pink Panther
When you said...... "My own personal values are that its ok for a woman to be near her parents when she has her own family and I believe this is more a reflection of western lifestyle. In India I understand its still more likely the woman will uproot and move to where her spouse resides"
....I have to agree with you wholeheartedly on this. I always imagined that I would always live close to my parents, even when I was married. It didn't turn out that way though, but it's OK because things don't always go according to your life's plan do they?
Son's are generally considered not to leave the family because of the Indian mentality that daughters are married "INTO" the guy's family and thus they "lose" her. The guy is never married into a girls family, so he "stays"with the family.
Thats what i understand (and agree with ur statement ). I am not living near my parents either
Do any women in India maintain their former last name...? Has this started occuring at all?
I can't speak for any women from India, but my own sister in law in the UK has hyphenated her last name after marrying my brother. I took my husbands last name, I never really gave it a second thought. My last name is not how I define my persona so I didn't feel it neccessary (as some woman do) to keep my old last name.
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Bijou Bazaar
http://bijoubazaar22.googlepages.com
