Dear Maharaj,

I do share your sentiments of calling the 911. But the issue(s) are multiprong. The society(Desi)immediately labels that lady as immoral or even questions her character. By using the exact words used by men in this talk show the Mard is always right, while the lady is always a Ceasers Wife.

The second issue is what happens to the financial liability for the family like mortgage, LOC, credit cards which might be on a joint account and who will take care of the financial responsibility, when the husband is put behind bars ?.

Is there a social net which can take care of interim until the issue is resolved amicably. The typical situation we learn happens is that the lady gets the custody of the children, while the husband serves the term and then goes to his home land and comes back with a younger trophy to adorn his living room.

How do you stop this?. These are all the questions I'm trying to get answers for the suffering lady folks.

Anybody out there ?.

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Speech by Thomas Friedman of The New York Times....

"When we were young kids growing up in America, we were told to eat our
vegetables at dinner and not leave them. Mothers said, 'think of the
starving children in India and finish the dinner.' And now I tell my
children: 'Finish your maths homework. Think of the children in India
who would make you starve, if you don't.'"

S,
I admire your courage to share this experience in the forum. With my limited exposure, I can strongly say that Punjabi's Desan's are the most affected in Canada (not to say that other people from other indian states are not affected). There are numerous articles (both in Canada and India) which highlight this issue. Also many Sri Lankan women are affected by this. I see that Vancouver, BC has much more wife beating husband's cases than in Ontario. In USA, ladies from Andhra were a majority being affected as rich, uneducated ladies were married to IT people who worked in USA and once in USA, the males were not able to tolerate their wives uneducatedness and thus started ill treating them (They married due to parental pressure / compulsion).
My experience has also shown me that if the woman is educated and can speak english, then she has a better chance of surviving alone in Canada.
A True example - > A Bangalore professional married a rich , cultured, studied upto 12 th std. woman. They both immigrated to Canada. Once in Canada, the man started beating the woman. He even once beat her with a broom stick which required 6 stiches in the head. The woman (who knew english) did not compain. Both were in Labour job. After some time, they both separated and lived in the same rented house but in diff. rooms. Later they were divorced and now she lives alone, working in 2 labour jobs and has applied for their parents to come to Canada as PR's (Her father is a multi millionare in AP).

OTOH, As S rightly put it, If the woman is uneduated and depends upon the spouse for living / paying mortgage etc.., then she is very unlikely to report the happenings.

What Canada needs is Culture sensitive programs, which can put a woman on track without the need for another bread winner to make ends meet. In Toronto, United way helps these kind of women. In Scarborough, there are many Culture senitive (meaning that it is staffed by Sri Lankan Tamils) organisations helping these type of women.

Just my views.

TK A

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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.

Quote:

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Originally posted by shankaracharya
I do share your sentiments of calling the 911. But the issue(s) are multiprong. The society(Desi)immediately labels that lady as immoral or even questions her character. By using the exact words used by men in this talk show the Mard is always right, while the lady is always a Ceasers Wife.

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Quote:

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Originally posted by shankaracharya
The second issue is what happens to the financial liability for the family like mortgage, LOC, credit cards which might be on a joint account and who will take care of the financial responsibility, when the husband is put behind bars ?.

Is there a social net which can take care of interim until the issue is resolved amicably. The typical situation we learn happens is that the lady gets the custody of the children, while the husband serves the term and then goes to his home land and comes back with a younger trophy to adorn his living room.

How do you stop this? These are all the questions I'm trying to get answers for the suffering lady folks.

Anybody out there ?

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Mumbai Maazi Ladki ...

Dealing with Shame within the Asian community
26th January, 2007

Link http://www.asiansinmedia.org/news/article.php/publishing/1534
ANOTHER link to more details at daily mirror http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_headline=i-will-fight-until-i-die-to-free-women-from-forced-marriages-&method=full&objectid=18533001&siteid=94762-name_page.html


Jasvinder Sanghera's book Shame, published this week, is social commentary and a true story on a sad state of affairs - the mistreatment of British Asian women by their own community and parents.

The glossy cover doesn't prepare you for the impact this book has on its reader. Jasvinder was born in Derby and grow up in a very traditional and religious household. She was feisty, full of fun and wanted to do well at school and go to college like any girl her age.

But when she was fourteen she was shown a photo of the man she was to marry. Her elder sisters too were married off at a similar age and were trapped in abusive and unhappy unions. And all this because their mother wanted to "hold her head high in the community".

In the end Jasvinder ran away from the claustrophobic world her parents and local community had created. A world her mother had tried her hardest to isolate her children from because she didn't want her daughters to become like "these shameless white women".

Jasvinder was lucky that she survived through a life of poverty, broken and abusive relationships and the emotional torment of being disowned by her family. Her parents did not, till the day they died, acknowledge that she was alive and was looking after them when they were ill and dying.

But one of her sisters was not so lucky. Trapped in an abusive and an unhappy marriage, and unable to get any support from their mother, Robina killed herself by setting fire to herself. Something else her parents never spoke of or acknowledged their part in it.

Jasvinder not only survived but turned her painful experience into something positive by helping other Asian women in the similar situation. She is the co-founder of Karma Nirvana, a community based project that supports South Asian women affected by domestic violence and honour based crimes.

Speaking to me earlier this week with conviction, she said how poor the police response has been towards women who plucked up the courage to seek their help because of political correctness and the reluctance to intervene in "their culture".

She told me about a young girl in South London who went to the police repeatedly, telling them that she feared for her life if she didn't comply with her family's wishes to marry her off. The police sent her back home every time and some time later her body was found. She was murdered.

The fact that our communities are in denial about this issue is also a big problem. Voices like that of Jasvinder's are pounced upon and ridiculed. She spoke of the threats she receives towards herself and her children. The excrement thrown on her car and the abuse hurled.

Around 1000 young people a year seek help while abroad because they are being forced into a marriage against their wishes. 30% of them are minors.

There is not sufficient and effective legislation to deal with this practice. The suicide rate amongst Asian women in this country is three times the national average. A recent survey done by the BBC found that over one in ten young Asian men defended "honour" killings. When will these practices end?

It gives me hope that there are people like the author of this book who are willing to write their experiences with such passion and clarity so others can be inspired. Although difficult at times to deal with, Shame is an absorbing read.

It is also a must-read for trainee social workers, the police and anyone dealing with this issue. It is about time something is done.

[The House of Lords will get a second reading today of the Forced Marriage (Civil Protection) Bill, sponsored by Lord Lester and Southall Black Sisters. Jasvinder Sanghera will be on the Anita Rani show, BBC Asian Network, on Wednesday Jan 31st, taking calls.]

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sabina.ahmed@asiansinmedia.org

Sabina Ahmed previously served on a BBC advisory council for local radio and the community health council.
She is a regular AIM commentator.