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  Canada Immigration Forum > About Canada > Life > Separation and impact on kids
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Separation and impact on kids




Its been a torrid family life.. violence which left lifetime scars on my body and mental stress due to constant threats
Kids are 8 and 7 yr old. I do not want much impact on them.
We are working couples earning good but completely incompatible. In fact we are opposites
Have been waiting for a long time to get the kids to some age where they can understand our reasons and accept separation.
Well... I am the man.. because this emotional stuff is usually the woman stuff

I am looking for some tips on starting a divorce.. should i be waiting more for kids to turn 10 or should i avoid considering the high divorce cost
I am also approaching 20 yrs of marriage so the permanent alimony is also a factor to make me go for it as early as I can. Currently am at 18
Possibly an existing divorcee could suggest with his past experience


 
divorceakai

Junior Desi
Member since: Aug 20
Posts: 4
Location:

Post ID: 239208 20-08-20 11:36:58
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Full House
Senior Desi
Member since: Oct 12




Posts: 2666
Location:

FIRSThing to do is through a MEDIATION.

I am not a councilor. So, I will keep away from the Advising part. It is a process that I know and if you both would sit down together without the kids in tow, and write down all of the good points and the bad ones, then, any one can sit with both of you together and discuss these one point at a time and see if there could be a reconciliation.

We first dwell upon the good points first. We don't bring any bad ones into the picture. O.K.?

If you both agree to stay together and carry on as a FAMILY, then, life will slowly get back to normal. It is better to have some one you both know and respect to sit along with you as individuals on each others side to support and stick with what gets agreed upon between the two of you if it needs to get enforced. NO 911/COPS.

Please don't get back here. This forum is an OPEN Forum. Keep away.

P.M. me if you need specific help. I will find some one close by you both.

FH.

----
Quote:
Originally posted by divorceakai

Its been a torrid family life.. violence which left lifetime scars on my body and mental stress due to constant threats
Kids are 8 and 7 yr old. I do not want much impact on them.
We are working couples earning good but completely incompatible. In fact we are opposites
Have been waiting for a long time to get the kids to some age where they can understand our reasons and accept separation.
Well... I am the man.. because this emotional stuff is usually the woman stuff

I am looking for some tips on starting a divorce.. should i be waiting more for kids to turn 10 or should i avoid considering the high divorce cost
I am also approaching 20 yrs of marriage so the permanent alimony is also a factor to make me go for it as early as I can. Currently am at 18
Possibly an existing divorcee could suggest with his past experience





 
Post ID: 239209 20-08-20 14:37:05
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tamilkuravan
Senior Desi
Member since: Jun 05




Posts: 5765
Location: God's own country

Divorce
I am not knowing the exact acts of domestic violence that you are facing but if your can afford to be quiet for the sake of kids, please do so till your child becomes 18 / major.

First we need to see who is earning well.

If you are earning well only the court will decide on high alimony. If you are earning less, they will not be able to do that. You can consider going on welfare.

Divorce is comparitively easy in Canada. Your savings / house , after marriage will be split and given 50% 50%.

Later you can decide to leave the country or to another province to start a new life.

Consult with a lawyer (if you are low income, then they come free as legal aid)

-----------------------------------------------------------------
I am a Gents and not a Ladies.

 
Post ID: 239210 23-08-20 09:28:17
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tamilkuravan
Senior Desi
Member since: Jun 05




Posts: 5765
Location: God's own country


If the situation is really intolerable and divorce is the only option and you are the higher asset guy, then try converting all assets into cash. Give the cash to your trusted relative to hold it for you (in bad times).
Govt. can only trace documented cash / assets. They canot trace cash or properties overseas.
This will have to be done over a period of time.

One of my friends (in a low paying job) shifted to welfare for a few months. The lady got nothing. The friend later slowly rebuilt his life and married again and got a job with half cash and half payroll, still making him ineligible for alimony to wife.

Also if your children turn 18Plus (That is a long way to go), then you donot need to legally care for them. They will be on their own.

Murali from Chennai India

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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.

 
Post ID: 239211 23-08-20 09:34:05
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divorceakai
Junior Desi
Member since: Aug 20




Posts: 4
Location:


Thank you all for the great advises.. I tried convincing her for mediation, but she doesnt want any. We did try a social worker previously for couple counselling, and she advised us strongly for divorce. My wife refused to continue her sessions with her.
I can hold my urge to separate but I only worry about her anger management... so often she picks up a knife, scissors and charges onto me. I have been hospitalized twice with cut wounds but have always protected her against cops except for once
Anyway the whole purpose is to get an idea of the divorcee's life, impact on the kids, social acceptance of the kids particularly in a desi community where marriages are more stronger


 
Post ID: 239215 25-08-20 12:20:28
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Full House
Senior Desi
Member since: Oct 12




Posts: 2666
Location:



Please Hold off all of the writing here because I see a total picture that appears and it is out of focus. You are 100% correct, the Asians are very strong in their family matters and they retain their identity as a group that is, staying as a FAMILY UNIT. Some times I want to forget that we are living in a different part of the world. The society here wants to live happily and it cannot bear to withstand the Family stress and advice to Break away from each other. It is the EASY WAY OUT. It might work because the item called Violence gets ELIMINATED.

BUT, I am for the children and NO ONE IS THERE TO FIGHT FOR THEM. They are the innocent party and they need all of the love and affection that YOU RECEIVED when you were of their age. Give them the same back. The ONUS is on you. So, see if it could be saved and given back at any cost to them. They NEED YOU both and now see how well you both can do it. Either TOGETHER or SEPARATELY. That is a MUST.

Ultimately, the CHOICE is yours. The decision is also yours. Please, please take care of the children because they know NO BODY here. You came here into a new country, hoping to make it better. The children got into this world brought by you BOTH, please see that they also get the same benefits that you both wanted. So, protect them. They deserve a better life that you both are aiming for. If you could have bought Insurance for the same, you would have done that. Since there is no such thing available to them, you both are now their ONLY surety and hope and the kind of ASSURANCE THEY HOPED FOR. See if you can provide them the same.

Good Luck and HOPE cool heads prevail.

Stay SAFE.

FH.


 
Post ID: 239217 27-08-20 14:46:28
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tamilkuravan
Senior Desi
Member since: Jun 05




Posts: 5765
Location: God's own country


Any physical abuse should be reported to the Cops and you will get full custody of the kids.

They will be living with you and you will have to provide for them. Your spouse may have to contribute but if she has mental issues, I donot think that she can last for a long time.

Murali from Chennai

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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.

 
Post ID: 239247 19-09-20 15:55:51
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Full House
Senior Desi
Member since: Oct 12




Posts: 2666
Location:



This is where people with all the experience in the analysis of all of the situation must step in and provide timely help to the O.P. I am glad to see one good response and situation analysis trickling in. Nevertheless it is welcome and it will give clues to proceed in the right direction.

I have sent the phone number and the approximate costs of a group that handles these cases and that was a long time ago and if the O.P. returns we can find out if that was helpful or not.

Thanks T.K. for dropping in and keeping the thread active.

Stay SAFE.

Regards.

FH.


 
Post ID: 239248 19-09-20 16:10:40
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elmer fudd
Senior Desi
Member since: Jan 10




Posts: 458
Location:


Document everything --- audio, video, emails, letters, notes etc.

If you are a guy, the onus is on you to prove the opposite party wrong. It may not be written in any law book, but that is the unwritten rule in family courts. Once you have all the evidence, file for divorce right away and remove your kids from her care. No violent person like that should ever be allowed to care for kids. She may be having mental health issues.

Speak to a lawyer and have an exit strategy.


 
Post ID: 239303 21-11-20 09:14:17
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