Its been a torrid family life.. violence which left lifetime scars on my body and mental stress due to constant threats
Kids are 8 and 7 yr old. I do not want much impact on them.
We are working couples earning good but completely incompatible. In fact we are opposites
Have been waiting for a long time to get the kids to some age where they can understand our reasons and accept separation.
Well... I am the man.. because this emotional stuff is usually the woman stuff

I am looking for some tips on starting a divorce.. should i be waiting more for kids to turn 10 or should i avoid considering the high divorce cost
I am also approaching 20 yrs of marriage so the permanent alimony is also a factor to make me go for it as early as I can. Currently am at 18
Possibly an existing divorcee could suggest with his past experience

I am not a councilor. So, I will keep away from the Advising part. It is a process that I know and if you both would sit down together without the kids in tow, and write down all of the good points and the bad ones, then, any one can sit with both of you together and discuss these one point at a time and see if there could be a reconciliation.

We first dwell upon the good points first. We don't bring any bad ones into the picture. O.K.?

If you both agree to stay together and carry on as a FAMILY, then, life will slowly get back to normal. It is better to have some one you both know and respect to sit along with you as individuals on each others side to support and stick with what gets agreed upon between the two of you if it needs to get enforced. NO 911/COPS.

Please don't get back here. This forum is an OPEN Forum. Keep away.

P.M. me if you need specific help. I will find some one close by you both.

FH.

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Originally posted by divorceakai

Its been a torrid family life.. violence which left lifetime scars on my body and mental stress due to constant threats
Kids are 8 and 7 yr old. I do not want much impact on them.
We are working couples earning good but completely incompatible. In fact we are opposites
Have been waiting for a long time to get the kids to some age where they can understand our reasons and accept separation.
Well... I am the man.. because this emotional stuff is usually the woman stuff

I am looking for some tips on starting a divorce.. should i be waiting more for kids to turn 10 or should i avoid considering the high divorce cost
I am also approaching 20 yrs of marriage so the permanent alimony is also a factor to make me go for it as early as I can. Currently am at 18
Possibly an existing divorcee could suggest with his past experience

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I am not knowing the exact acts of domestic violence that you are facing but if your can afford to be quiet for the sake of kids, please do so till your child becomes 18 / major.

First we need to see who is earning well.

If you are earning well only the court will decide on high alimony. If you are earning less, they will not be able to do that. You can consider going on welfare.

Divorce is comparitively easy in Canada. Your savings / house , after marriage will be split and given 50% 50%.

Later you can decide to leave the country or to another province to start a new life.

Consult with a lawyer (if you are low income, then they come free as legal aid)

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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.

If the situation is really intolerable and divorce is the only option and you are the higher asset guy, then try converting all assets into cash. Give the cash to your trusted relative to hold it for you (in bad times).
Govt. can only trace documented cash / assets. They canot trace cash or properties overseas.
This will have to be done over a period of time.

One of my friends (in a low paying job) shifted to welfare for a few months. The lady got nothing. The friend later slowly rebuilt his life and married again and got a job with half cash and half payroll, still making him ineligible for alimony to wife.

Also if your children turn 18Plus (That is a long way to go), then you donot need to legally care for them. They will be on their own.

Murali from Chennai India

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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.

Thank you all for the great advises.. I tried convincing her for mediation, but she doesnt want any. We did try a social worker previously for couple counselling, and she advised us strongly for divorce. My wife refused to continue her sessions with her.
I can hold my urge to separate but I only worry about her anger management... so often she picks up a knife, scissors and charges onto me. I have been hospitalized twice with cut wounds but have always protected her against cops except for once
Anyway the whole purpose is to get an idea of the divorcee's life, impact on the kids, social acceptance of the kids particularly in a desi community where marriages are more stronger

Please Hold off all of the writing here because I see a total picture that appears and it is out of focus. You are 100% correct, the Asians are very strong in their family matters and they retain their identity as a group that is, staying as a FAMILY UNIT. Some times I want to forget that we are living in a different part of the world. The society here wants to live happily and it cannot bear to withstand the Family stress and advice to Break away from each other. It is the EASY WAY OUT. It might work because the item called Violence gets ELIMINATED.

BUT, I am for the children and NO ONE IS THERE TO FIGHT FOR THEM. They are the innocent party and they need all of the love and affection that YOU RECEIVED when you were of their age. Give them the same back. The ONUS is on you. So, see if it could be saved and given back at any cost to them. They NEED YOU both and now see how well you both can do it. Either TOGETHER or SEPARATELY. That is a MUST.

Ultimately, the CHOICE is yours. The decision is also yours. Please, please take care of the children because they know NO BODY here. You came here into a new country, hoping to make it better. The children got into this world brought by you BOTH, please see that they also get the same benefits that you both wanted. So, protect them. They deserve a better life that you both are aiming for. If you could have bought Insurance for the same, you would have done that. Since there is no such thing available to them, you both are now their ONLY surety and hope and the kind of ASSURANCE THEY HOPED FOR. See if you can provide them the same.

Good Luck and HOPE cool heads prevail.

Stay SAFE.

FH.

Any physical abuse should be reported to the Cops and you will get full custody of the kids.

They will be living with you and you will have to provide for them. Your spouse may have to contribute but if she has mental issues, I donot think that she can last for a long time.

Murali from Chennai

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I am a Gents and not a Ladies.