Hi,

I thought it would be a good idea to share our poems or short stories with each other on this post.

We can give each other contructive criticism and give helpful advice on writing techniques, tips on language, grammar, etc.

If there is anyone who would like to post their written works of art, feel free! Please make sure that they are original works...

To start off, I will post a poem that I have written, not too long ago. I would welcome any opinions that you may have, or just tell me whether you liked it or not, whether anyone can relate...that sort of thing.

Here it is....

Broken Desire

I feel myself falling from your gaze; we used to be so near
Now your eyes see past me, your eyes do not care
I close myself up, like a rosebud, shying away from the night
Longing for the hope of another day, the sun shining bright
Desires deep within my soul, dying slowly, decaying
Promises being broken, time after time, no use in praying
I hide my face, so you cannot see the hurt
Your sharp tongue, words so curt, feel like dirt
I wear my mask, the one you carved for me
The face I wear so that you may see me
Time to stop dreaming, need to stop feeling
Only then will begin the healing
So that's what I've done, I hope that you are glad
I've emptied my heart of longing, though it's left me feeling sad
But it's ok, because I'll learn to live without
As you once told me, that's what life's about

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Are you working hard, or hardly working?

could have related, If I was a teenager and love my occupation................

Good Work!

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Try overtaking child's imagination

Thanks Jago

Do you have anything you would like to submit....?

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Are you working hard, or hardly working?

Here is one for Married Guys


Obedience

When You say that you will take him for a walk,
He'd Thank You a Thousand times,
If only he could talk.

When he looks at you with his eyes so brown and sad,
You pat him on the head and then,
with joy he does go mad.

If ever in his playful mood, your ankle he does nip,
you howl and growl and pout and scowl
and give a savage kick.

Then he comes slinking and grovels at your feet,
one kind word from his mistress
is a royal treat.

If ever you wonder what it is, that makes this creature crawl,
What else were you expecting lady
He's your HUSBAND after all

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Microsoft - Which end of the stick do you want today?

That was good one Desi Tiger! Very funny...although I'm not sure my hubby would agree! Lol!

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Are you working hard, or hardly working?

Hey DT, did you write that?

Browngirl, this is a great initiative. Funny poems aside, it would be really nice if others post some of their creative writing here. Good stuff.

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Are you there?

Hi BG,
I agree with BL. Nice initiative.

I'm not a poet so this critique is nothing more than personal opinion.
Pros,
Personal, the emotions come through. The part that I particularly liked
"I wear my mask, the one you carved for me
The face I wear so that you may see me"

this part was raw and direct too...nice
"Your sharp tongue, words so curt, feel like dirt"

p.s: is 'so'' really needed? ''Your sharp tongue, words curt, feel like dirt would suffice?"

Cons,
imho it would have more impact if some lines(except probably the ones above) were rephrased to be shorter in length...yet carry the same thoughts(something like in the example I have provided above).

Again, all the poetry I have read is from school books and a few from my wife(whichI find brilliant ofcourse ).

Im recently reading some love letters by Khalil Gibran and in the above section I am sort of comparing your style with his style. I realise this is not fair to either of you but a limitation due to my ignorance

To sum it up...better than I could have done myself. Congrats!

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