Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
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Tears for Fears

A wife wakes up of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what’s wrong?" she asks, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replies.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

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A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.

“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.”
_______________________

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

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Sanjeev Manocha, MBA
Real Estate Sales Representative
Accredited Buyer Representative (ABR)

Re/Max West Realty Inc, Brokerage
96, Rexdale Blvd., Toronto

Mobile: 416-843-7600
Office: 416-745-2300
http://www.manocharealty.com" rel="nofollow">LINK

After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual procedure, asking the driver for his license.

“I don’t have one,” the driver answers, “I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
“May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?” the officer then asks.
“It’s not my car,” the driver responds, “I stole it.”
The confused officer then asks, “The car is stolen?”
“That’s right,” says the driver. “But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”

“You’re telling me there’s a gun in the glove box?” the officer says.

“Yes sir,” the driver continues. “That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

“There’s a body in the trunk?!?” the amazed officer asks.
Still straight faced, the driver answers, “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Numerous other cops show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this tense situation.

The Captain then approaches, “Sir, can I see your license?”

“Here you go officer,” the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit ID.

“Who’s car is this?” the Captain asks.
“It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card,” the driver answers while handing him a valid registration in his name.

“Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?” the Captain continues.
“Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it,” the driver responds. Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

The Captain then asks, “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a body in it.”
“No problem,” the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also empty.

“I don’t understand it,” the Captain says. “The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” the driver says. “And I’ll bet you the lying sonovabitch told you I was speeding, too!”

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it.”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$25.00”

The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.”
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$75.00”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$100.00”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that s**t again.”

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Sanjeev Manocha, MBA
Real Estate Sales Representative
Accredited Buyer Representative (ABR)

Re/Max West Realty Inc, Brokerage
96, Rexdale Blvd., Toronto

Mobile: 416-843-7600
Office: 416-745-2300
http://www.manocharealty.com" rel="nofollow">LINK