Posted on: 04-06-12 12:39:24
Maybe your BIL doesn't know he is in US not in India that he can get away with all this.If his wife complains( she has to think about everything before doing so...) he is absolutely no where. I'm assuming he is working for an Indian company.She can get help from domestic abuse helpline.On her part she should try not to aggravate him anyhow....let the time go by till the delivery date comes .try and deliver the baby there
She needs to be mentally strong more than ever now . I'm sure the women's cell can help with anything that she needs.They don't discriminate people based on their visa status.
What type of a man is he that he choses such a delicate time to do this.
It’s not that my sister does not want to continue the relationship, she definitely wants to give more time to the relationship but sometimes it’s just too much. His parents are mentioning every little thing to him “see those guys did not give you respect, did not serve you good food”….issues like these which are quite stupid…apart from the constant demand of money and gold…he gets the daily dose from his mother, father and sisters back home....comes home and creates a ruckus…
My sister says that the guy as such is OK…but this constant rant from his family members is causing problems…he calls every day 3-4 times...
Neither do I have any plans for causing him trouble…we did not get our sister married for divorce or break-up….I just wanted to know my options so that I don’t let the guy off the hook…(in worst case scenario)….
He has a pretty decent job and makes good money….but then the there is no cure for greed….
Also, my sister has worked earlier in the US and she quite capable of finding something decent…but just that the situation (pregnancy) right now won’t allow her to…
KumarM: It was purely her decision to marry someone in US, we (I & my parents) couldn’t force her to marry someone of our choice….either from India or elsewhere… though it was an arranged marriage but we had to look for the criteria that she told us initially….
Thank you very much guys for all the help…all I want for my sister is peace, harmony and love…rather than skirmishes and conflicts…
Quote:
Originally posted by tungrus
It’s not that my sister does not want to continue the relationship, she definitely wants to give more time to the relationship but sometimes it’s just too much. His parents are mentioning every little thing to him “see those guys did not give you respect, did not serve you good food”….issues like these which are quite stupid…apart from the constant demand of money and gold…he gets the daily dose from his mother, father and sisters back home....comes home and creates a ruckus…
My sister says that the guy as such is OK…but this constant rant from his family members is causing problems…he calls every day 3-4 times...
What you're describing is often a common scenario in Indian marriages, although the dowry demand is clearly unacceptable. It is encouraging though that your sister feels he is an ok guy, but being brainwashed by his family. Sounds like a maturity problem where the guy cannot see the emotional distress he is going to create for himself if they separate (and that his parents won't be able to help him when that happens). Too often, people like this don't realize their mistakes until it is too late and then there is no recourse. Somehow this song came to mind as I was typing this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7SnLGBn9Ms
If it were my sister, the first step would be to get dowry off the table with the guy, it needs to be crystal clear that would not be entertained, divorce is the only outcome in this case. The reality is if you pay the dowry to smooth out this one situation, something else is bound to arise tomorrow.
Once and if that is off the table, then there sounds like some room for give and take (as anybody who's married here will attest to). If there are some legit concerns from her in-laws or the guy around (ultimately) small stuff like food etc., your sister may be able to take some actions to correct. A little compromise in stuff like this (even though it may feel unfair) goes a long way. And life is long enough for differences to heal, triggered by several life-events along the way (for instance the birth of a child). Joint counseling would really help and since they are both in the US, this seems very possible.
These are highly charged situations emotionally, so your approach of taking a measured response is good. "Getting even" is often not the best solution in cases like these, although it is necessary to prepare for worst case scenarios like you are. Biggest thing is to disarm ego on both sides and then the whole conversation becomes much easier.
One thing for sure, since your sister is caught up in the situation, you need to be her "brains" that can evaluate options more logically than emotionally and advise her, while being a constant source of emotional support. Hope things work out...
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Quote:
Originally posted by BlueLobster
Quote:
Originally posted by tungrus
It’s not that my sister does not want to continue the relationship, she definitely wants to give more time to the relationship but sometimes it’s just too much. His parents are mentioning every little thing to him “see those guys did not give you respect, did not serve you good food”….issues like these which are quite stupid…apart from the constant demand of money and gold…he gets the daily dose from his mother, father and sisters back home....comes home and creates a ruckus…
My sister says that the guy as such is OK…but this constant rant from his family members is causing problems…he calls every day 3-4 times...
What you're describing is often a common scenario in Indian marriages, although the dowry demand is clearly unacceptable. It is encouraging though that your sister feels he is an ok guy, but being brainwashed by his family. Sounds like a maturity problem where the guy cannot see the emotional distress he is going to create for himself if they separate (and that his parents won't be able to help him when that happens). Too often, people like this don't realize their mistakes until it is too late and then there is no recourse. Somehow this song came to mind as I was typing this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7SnLGBn9Ms
If it were my sister, the first step would be to get dowry off the table with the guy, it needs to be crystal clear that would not be entertained, divorce is the only outcome in this case. The reality is if you pay the dowry to smooth out this one situation, something else is bound to arise tomorrow.
Once and if that is off the table, then there sounds like some room for give and take (as anybody who's married here will attest to). If there are some legit concerns from her in-laws or the guy around (ultimately) small stuff like food etc., your sister may be able to take some actions to correct. A little compromise in stuff like this (even though it may feel unfair) goes a long way. And life is long enough for differences to heal, triggered by several life-events along the way (for instance the birth of a child). Joint counseling would really help and since they are both in the US, this seems very possible.
These are highly charged situations emotionally, so your approach of taking a measured response is good. "Getting even" is often not the best solution in cases like these, although it is necessary to prepare for worst case scenarios like you are. Biggest thing is to disarm ego on both sides and then the whole conversation becomes much easier.
One thing for sure, since your sister is caught up in the situation, you need to be her "brains" that can evaluate options more logically than emotionally and advise her, while being a constant source of emotional support. Hope things work out...
Very good advice .
May be you can take a trip to US for a couple of days and talk to your sister and BIL and see if some solution can be found .
another thing is somebody can talk to your sisters in-laws and find their grievances and try to resolve ( if possible ) other wise put some sense what will happen to not only their sons life but also in-laws will be running around courts ( of course if they have done some wrong ) .
All the best
I agree at this point of time , the efforts should be more towards calming down, rejoining and giving emotional support to couple. Talking will help. Since the source of distress is folks in India, they should be talked through. Brother should involve some more confidants who have good relations with both the families. The couple should be updated about the talks. The talks should not be to criticise or put somebody down but to make better sense prevail. Of course it will mellow down the callous attitude of in-laws.
Whatever is the result let everybody feel responsible, why the two souls who are otherwise happy with each other should bear the brunt of desires of others. If resolved, the guy will gain maturity after this incident, seems like he is playing into the hands of his greedy family who got no attachment with the new member and her feelings.
At outset the question of giving any more money should be cleared out, made out of question. Take a stand not to air the greed by agreeing to give more money. That will stem the problem rather than resolving it.
Good luck, Wishing for health and happiness to your sister.
Marital laws in India are ridiculously one sided favoring women. If the husband is planning to go to India to start legal proceedings, then either he is monumentally stupid or he may have very compelling reasons to present to the court.
In US, while the justice system favors women in general(initially), judges rule on cases based on the evidence presented. In most US states, unlike in India, there are legal consequences for perjury even if you are a woman.
My cousin went through a harrowing situation in US when he married somebody having extreme ego issues(the whole family) and things got worse and they separated. He was even threatened by his in-laws with legal consequences and worse.
However, being in US, he lined up his ducks and proceeded with evidence. Recorded all the incidents like vases being thrown at him, constant barrage of verbal abuse, threats, etc....
He won the case in US but still had to compromise in India as the system over there is a dead weight, albeit the compromise was much watered down than the original version and his ex's side taking a major hit to their egos.
Luckily they had no children and that where people have to tread carefully. As others have said, involve well-wishers and that both parties bury their egos.
Quote:
Originally posted by tungrus
It’s not that my sister does not want to continue the relationship, she definitely wants to give more time to the relationship but sometimes it’s just too much. His parents are mentioning every little thing to him “see those guys did not give you respect, did not serve you good food”….issues like these which are quite stupid…apart from the constant demand of money and gold…he gets the daily dose from his mother, father and sisters back home....comes home and creates a ruckus…
My sister says that the guy as such is OK…but this constant rant from his family members is causing problems…he calls every day 3-4 times...
Neither do I have any plans for causing him trouble…we did not get our sister married for divorce or break-up….I just wanted to know my options so that I don’t let the guy off the hook…(in worst case scenario)….
He has a pretty decent job and makes good money….but then the there is no cure for greed….
Also, my sister has worked earlier in the US and she quite capable of finding something decent…but just that the situation (pregnancy) right now won’t allow her to…
KumarM: It was purely her decision to marry someone in US, we (I & my parents) couldn’t force her to marry someone of our choice….either from India or elsewhere… though it was an arranged marriage but we had to look for the criteria that she told us initially….
Thank you very much guys for all the help…all I want for my sister is peace, harmony and love…rather than skirmishes and conflicts…
Here we go again! Do u think that his family members will stop ranting? It may continue. What your sis will do then?
If the guy in USA has met the criteria of your sis (as u have mentioned), then why is she complaining? Looks like you folks are talking both ways.
One thing is sure. If someone files a complaint against him in India, he would be arrested at the airport next time he visits. All one needs to do is to file the dowry complaint. Also depends on where they live in India, how powerful they are.
Hope things turn out good for your sis. All the best!
