Hello:

Most of us feel so proud when our kids talk to us in North American accent in front of our relatives/friends, When we visit India with them. Our kids were born/brought up here in Canada.

But how many of you firmly believe that you would be provided with adequate care and love by your children when you would be old and sick in canada?

How many of you can firmly say that your children (who were brought up in North America) would not leave you & let you suffer all alone in Hospitals when you would be counting your final days?

hahaha
grow up dude, it is 2006 and not the SARVAN PUTRA time. i am parent of a girl child who is living in canada from very young age i guess she was just 8 months old at that time.
i read so many articles on this site from parents who care about their childrens. i don't blame anyone but don't u think that parents are more safe in canada then in India. I read few months back an story of a 28 yr old son from chandigarh who killed both his parents and his aunt for property. these cases are more in india then in canada.
and as far as u say living alone, how many of u guys have called upon their parents to live with u in canada?
the answer lies in the family values, if u have honor ur parents in front of ur children and are still living with ur parents in canada and respecting them and afcourse your childrens are seeing all this then they would respect u. otherwise always remember "history repeat itself". is u had dumped ur parents in india and not taking care of them then u will be dumped toooooooo.
2nd thing which i remeber all my life is never expect a good relation from anyone as long as you are very good to him/her. childrens are growing at a great pace now days, time had changed and so do we need to change our self.

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Learn from past mistakes, Plan for future, Live in Present by Duncan

Amit2006:

Question: Why would you be "proud" that your child speaks to you in an north american accent? Its not an accomplishment..its inherent due to the environment!

Secondly, being a second generation (born and brought up in canada) I disagree very strongly with your view and I believe you put this question out looking for input/discussion. I hope my views can help you shift your perceptions even slightly.

North americans ie/ Caucasians ie/goras generally have the values of family and love and care for their parents. Due to parents generally living apart from their children it may look to you that they are being left to 'suffer' (in ur words). Its a cultural difference. I dont know anyone that hates their parents and generally do have regular contact, visits and are very much in their lives. If people live thousands of miles away, then that is a different story.

Generally people enjoy their independance and from studies that Ive read plus the people I meet and speak with, they want to remain as independant as they can.

I assume from 'hospital' you mean 'nursing homes' ?? Generally people will go into nursing homes if they need 24 hour medical care because they are unable to care for themselves. Yes there are people out there whose children never visit them. Unfortunately this is not a cultural (ie north american problem) but an individual problem. Do you believe that ALL children in India take care of their parents??

North americans generally believe that by doing things for yourself (ie living in ur own house as long as you can) you retain better health. It is not necessary that growing older means getting Sick. One can maintain one's health if they wish to.

Tell me: Do you believe that children are showing "Love and affection" to their ageing parents when they live with them..or is it possible they are hoping for free babysitters ? I know elderly parents who are expected to be free babysitters. Usually in the Indo-Canadian population this is very prevelent. Also here in BC there are many desi's (who migrate as adults) who call their parents over so they can work on farms doing backbreaking labour work. For those elderly that enjoy this work and like the financial independance and have good relations with their kids..its fine. However for those that are forced to do this: its called Elder Abuse. I come across this in my line of work.

Everything is not black and white Amit2006. When im Older..i dont wish to live with my children .. as long as I am able to be independant and healthy. If I am unable to care for myself, then I may have to depend on them.


You know what: I believe my children would care for me..because love comes from giving love..not from what country or environment you are in. Nor do you have to live together to be given 'love and affection' and care from your children. If you do live together that is just a lifestyle choice and not a moral highpoint.

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~ Morning rain

i fully agree with morning_rain.

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Learn from past mistakes, Plan for future, Live in Present by Duncan

As a parent, I don't just have to "suffer" in hospitals. I can "suffer" in a beautiful retirement home or "suffer" in my own home having paid off my mortgage. I have volunteered at a retirement home and the deal they get is just great - healthy food and healthy companionship of your own age group (of course, if you think you need only Indians, you might be out of luck ). And retirement homes offer assistance at various levels depending on your physical capability.

My grandmother who is 85 and living in India has been begging to let her live her last days in a retirement home with her own money (and she has lots of it too). And there are great homes in the city she lives. However, because of the so called "society" and "culture" and everybody's egos and false pride, she has not been allowed to and has to put up with the not-so-subtle mis-treatments. But, hey, she is being "taken care of" and not allowed to "suffer", right?

It is upto you how you shape your senior living. If you have created expectations for yourself that your child will take care of you, then you might be setting yourself for a miserable disappointment if that does not happen.

In my case, me and my spouse have decided towards an independent life (hopefully, we can remain healthy) and let my kid(s) alone and let them enjoy their lives. And we are seriously working towards that goal. And I hope everyone else can do that too.

And, Morning Rain, once agin, kudos to your posting.

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Dimple2001

Very challenging and difficult topic !

Thanks to Amit for raising this topic.

My twelve year old is sitting right next to me, when I'm responding this topic.

This question does not have a clear cut head or tail/ black & white answer.

There are lots of issue involved in it. There are issues of independence, which includes financial independence involved. Some times when you bring your older parents to a foreign country they are not able to adapt to the new circumstances.

They key issue is for the parent to have the sense of control over his/her life, financial independence and feeling of being important. Many times when our parents retire from active service, and do not have any alternative career or work, they go through depression. The other issue is the one which is seen all the culture(s)/nationalities and and age old problem of the MIL/DIL relationship. The other issue is of the son taking care of his parents, while the daughter may not be able to take care of her parents in their old age if her parents do not have a son.

The best solution which I feel is that to provide enough financial assistance with no strings attached to our parents at their old age. This way they have a choice. We are moving away from joint families as it not possible in this internet age. When the end is near we as children should spend as much time with them so that they exit with a feeling of Mission Accomplished. This is what I did for my father who fell sick on April 16 2001, and passed away on June 24th 2001. My aged mother lives all alone in India, she does not want to visit Canada, she manages by herself all alone. I feel guilty of not being there with her. Even if she comes to Canada she will be okay for the first 3 months and what will she do after that.

We also should not expect our children to take care of us at our old age. I have known many of white friends who would go home for break and the first question their parents would ask them at the time of opening the door is how long you will be home. If we are asked that we will feel it to be a rude question.

We should instill the good values from our Indian culture to our children and leave it at that. We should make them soar like an eagle in their life, and not tie a weight on their foot of our old age.

I would like to end this with a small story as usual:

Once a father, who had his father living with him in a room, used to make his father ring a bell when he was hungry. This way he would take food and leave it at his fathers doorstep for feeding himself. This went on for many years.

One day the old man died, and the son went into his fathers room and wanted to throw away his father's belonging which included the bell. That time his son(the grandson of the old man who died)came and requested to his father do not throw away the bell, to which he asked why?. The grandson replied to his father that do not throw it away as you may require it at your old age.

The moral of the story is \\\"What goes around, Comes around\\\".

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Speech by Thomas Friedman of The New York Times....

"When we were young kids growing up in America, we were told to eat our
vegetables at dinner and not leave them. Mothers said, 'think of the
starving children in India and finish the dinner.' And now I tell my
children: 'Finish your maths homework. Think of the children in India
who would make you starve, if you don't.'"

shankaracharya,

Very good pointers.

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Dimple2001