Posted on: 16-09-10 13:00:45
This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad.
Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India
and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside
a vehicle is only marginally
safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do
your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows :
Do we drive on the left or right of the
road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it
is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust
your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road
rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't
drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get
discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation,
the other drivers are not in any better
position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the
road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians
have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or
has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot
may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the
dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during
traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for
the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground
drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,
full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with
success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and
an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion
engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular
vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its
weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric
calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until
some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so
those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent
damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and
also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the
moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather
drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped"
off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging
off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded
bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface
tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of
passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a
width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed
in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in
two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you
are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point
also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by
providing a "speed breaker"; two for each
house.
This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that
residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation
authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end
accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those
with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing
Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.
What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck
attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the
field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the
peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total
cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are
the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter
a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not
a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,
usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this
occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more
visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must
watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will
often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his
hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The
waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons
between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is
then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our
constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other
countries.
Quote:
Originally posted by ppbhai
This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad.
Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India
and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside
a vehicle is only marginally
safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do
your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows :
Do we drive on the left or right of the
road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it
is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust
your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road
rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't
drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get
discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation,
the other drivers are not in any better
position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the
road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians
have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or
has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot
may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the
dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during
traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for
the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground
drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,
full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with
success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and
an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion
engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular
vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its
weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric
calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until
some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so
those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent
damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and
also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the
moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather
drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped"
off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging
off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded
bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface
tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of
passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a
width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed
in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in
two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you
are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point
also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by
providing a "speed breaker"; two for each
house.
This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that
residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation
authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end
accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those
with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing
Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.
What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck
attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the
field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the
peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total
cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are
the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter
a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not
a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,
usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this
occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more
visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must
watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will
often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his
hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The
waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons
between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is
then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our
constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other
countries.
Practice makes u perfect. So if u can drive in India u can drive anywhere in the world but opposite is not true.
Quote:
Originally posted by ppbhai
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries.
Are you claiming this or part of joke?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mumbai Maazi Ladki ...
Quote:
Originally posted by ppbhai
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other
countries.
This is not true. India leads world in road deaths as per WHO
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/India-leads-world-in-road-deaths-WHO/articleshow/4900415.cms
Possibly it is part of the joke. The original post is available at -
http://funlok.com/index.php/mail-forwards/driving-in-india-22032010.html
Omg, classic case of immigrants unable to get over there homeland.
Idealy it is to be discussed with similar immigrants for another country like say from bangladesh or pakistan or turkey and do an analysis
and in the end all to feel better of highway 401(one of the most congested in N America)
life is such a B
Did anybody see the traffic on 417 (In Ottawa) in peak hrs. It takes more than 30 min. to drive for 5 km on highway.
