Thanks Chandresh, these are infact very good observations and tips...keep posting, they are invaluable.
Hiren
we got them a computer and talk to them daily on skype. somtimes we just keep the computers on for hours and can hear whats going on on both sides. its like being in the same room. the kids com in and out of the room and chat with dadu and dadi. we also have them here every summer for 2 months. as soon as we can we will try band sponcer them, but they have their life there in india and would be lonely here. so I guess they would spend 6 months her eand 6 in India. But I consider my self lucky that they can do that. there are alot of ppl who cant do it or their parents live in the villages.it can be togh for such ppl. but as they say once the chick grows it has to fly out of the nest and make a life of its own. our culture is such that we dont leave or forget the old. which is good. that is the problem here i feel , if families would look after their own then there wont be a problem of the aging population as they feel today.
"And yes, try to visit them in your home country as often as possible. Also, in Indian culture, mostly (not always though), it is expected that the bahu (daughter in law) will spend more time with the in-laws rather than her own family - so try to do that. At times the men should send only the wives to home country and make them stay with men's parents for a longer time than her own parents. This is a trait BOTH sets of parents will be proud of because you will be following Indian traditions."
I Really resent that. Do you realise if the girl is an only child how painful it is for the girls parents. to be contantly treated as if they dont matter . there are some traditions that need to be scraped . how about giving them equal consideration.
Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 27-01-06 13:11:03
Janmeja,
I have to agree with you. Chandresh would you want your son's wife to visit you because she enjoys spending time with your family or just because of "culture" and expectation? Id hate to have someone visit me for obligation sake...
I think parents should be treated equally. Why does the Bahu have to spend more time with her inlaws? Her family is HER husband and her kids..not her inlaws. They are extended family..just like her own parents are.
Its not because im a 2nd gen I am saying this. I live with my mother in law... I know the expectations etc.
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~ Morning rain
Quote:
Orginally posted by Janmeja
I Really resent that. Do you realise if the girl is an only child how painful it is for the girls parents. to be contantly treated as if they dont matter . there are some traditions that need to be scraped . how about giving them equal consideration.
I dont think you should resent that becuase no two sets of families are the same. What your family thinks right might be totally different in mine.
For you personally that might be the case......If I have a daughter and she does that I'd feel proud...........but than again I am old fashioned. I have a sister and she is like that and we dont have a problem with that
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"Progress comes from deviation".
On a side note if anybody finds my comments or posts offensive or irritating please ignore it and if that still bothers you; please write to me and I will demonstrate.
Quote:
Orginally posted by morning_rain
Janmeja,
I have to agree with you. Chandresh would you want your son's wife to visit you because she enjoys spending time with your family or just because of \"culture\" and expectation? Id hate to have someone visit me for obligation sake...
I think parents should be treated equally. Why does the Bahu have to spend more time with her inlaws? Her family is HER husband and her kids..not her inlaws. They are extended family..just like her own parents are.
Its not because im a 2nd gen I am saying this. I live with my mother in law... I know the expectations etc.
MR,
First of all, I do not want to argue on this subject........it is a personal choice and value judgement.
Secondly, why do you pick on one point which you do not agree to (seems you agree to others that I have put, or else you would have raised questions on that too.)? If I were you, I would comment on the total post in atleast one sentence and then point out something that I disagree with.
Coming to your point - I am talking about parents in India............not me and you as parents who either were born here, or came to live here. It is a tradition that MOST of us grew up with in India and I am one of them too. I had five sisters and two brothers, and my parents always taught my sisters to spend more time with their parents in law simply because as is said in India - shaadi ke baad ladki ke saas sasur hi uske ma-baap hote hain. That is what happens in Kanyadan - a traditon followed by most Indians where they do the good deed of giving away their own creation - their most prized possession. Believe me, such traditions have some social/psycological reasons behind them, and it is not easy to discuss the same on a forum like this, but in person. In Indian tradition, both sets of parents are respected, but the boy's parents are treated as girl's parents too..........It is similar to the Indian traditon where the girl leaves her house to live in boy's house and very very rarely the other way around, and only under special circumstances, otherwise traditonally such an act is frowned upon.
And even in the western society, where law is above your personal love and affection ( like a teacher in Canada is not allowed to hug a small child in her class out of love, but restrict it to sweet talk with him/her but still not show her natural affection for the child), a parent 'in law' will defintiely score higher than a natural parent! Well, this particular para is just to bring some humour to the serious discussion.
So my thinking is - if you feel that you want to change the traditions, change it with your generation.......... and not with your earlier generation. Give to them WHAT THEY HAVE GROWN UP WITH, and value. If you want the girl to spend the same time with her natural parents as her parents in law, start it with your daughter, not with your mother. So to my parents I give what they expect and are happy with, and some of the things/traditions that I am not fully agreeable with, I follow it with my children (one such would be not allowing the girl to enter the kitchen during her 'periods' - with our parents we wil still follow the same rule, but with our daughter, it has changed and we have changed it - though we could have easily inculcated it like other tradions. My daughter still follows the Indian rule when she goes to India to meet her grand parents)
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Chandresh
Advice is free – lessons I charge for!!
Location: British Columbia
Posted on: 27-01-06 14:14:35
Chandresh,
my post was not meant to put you or your values down. Yes I am just stating my own judgements, thoughts and opinions.
I see a value in sometimes questioning traditions because often they work in a particular time and place (as you stated)but i also believe that some parents are open to change and questioning.. even if they are the 'older' generation and in India.
However as you mentioned you dont see the point of a tradition which tells girls to stay out of the kitchen during their period - why subject your daughter to it in India (Just from an argumentative standpoint).. Why not teach the grandparents that this is not what you believe in. IM not saying disrespect parents..but why placate them? Communicate... why let the generation gap remain?
See there I disagree - If you can get the elders of the family to understand your point of view... Wouldnt they be proud of you and say look there is my child(ren)..look how much they have grown..how much they know about the world..how wise and smart they are?
But then i know what you mean about traditions being upheld in India. I can sit here and discuss it because I am here..and I am 2nd gen after all.
Thanks for reading my view 
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~ Morning rain
